Ware Farms

Speaking truth to prejudice

Sunday, February 12, 2006


Intimacy in Marriage

After my post to Family Scholar's Blog that I noted below, I added this note:
The fact remains that people do best when they marry someone of the same sexual orientation. When someone who is straight marries someone who is gay and the marriage falls apart, there is nothing even the best therapist can do to put humpty dumpty back together again.

George decided these posts merited a response:
Bill your comments are symptomatic of the problem with so many marriages — that sexual fulfillment is a primary goal, or the result of, or even a “significantly important part” of the relationship itself. This unrealistic expectation is not to the credit of same-sex relationships, it is to the detriment of all committed partnerships. Lifelong commitment to one’s spouse is only tangentially related to sexual attraction, much less sexual ability.
Even the best therapist would do well to remind a married couple of this fact.

That challenged me to make this reply:

Intimacy, not sexual fulfillment, is the primary affect of marriage. One could get sexual fulfillment from a blow up doll or, if you're Woody Allen, an “Orgasmatron.” Intimacy, in contrast, is something one can only experience with another human being. Intimacy is more than just a relationship based on physical attraction, it has emotional, intellectual and spiritual components as well.

The bonds which form through intimacy are the glue that hold a marriage together. It’s nearly impossible for this pair bonding to occur if one finds having sex with the other an unpleasant duty. Imagine having sex with your sister. Yuck! (I hope).

That’s what is so disturbing about the statement from the Exodus marriage workshop, “A wife needs to be prepared to offer extra help so that her husband can have an erection, [Anita] said.” Why so? So he can have sex with her as he would with a blow up doll. Do you not find something terribly wrong with this arrangement?

Accepting who we are, planning, and going ahead with our lives is the essence of psychological health. Pretending we are something we are not, is just the opposite. Those who encourage such pretence are engaging in unethical practices as the American Psychiatric Association has noted.

Is it just me, or do you too find something terribly wrong with what Exodus is doing with these mixed orientation couples?


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